Ana's Knocking, are you home?

It's been far to long. I tried normalcy. I tried eating, over-eating once in a while with friends "vegging out".

I drank liquids other then water, and spent entire days not working out. This normalcy is sick. I've been gone for close to a month and a half. It feels I've been gone longer... I missed Ana our time together. I don't wanna be without her again, she made me strong and confident. she made me have endless energy and motivation. 

Ana Here I Am, Opening the door wide.

Ana's Knocking, you disgust her.

How can you stand to look in the mirror? for 20days you let Binge with his microphone shout into your head, you let him mute your beloved Ana, and kick out the already whispering Mia. And now you're all alone with him... crawl and beg Ana to return, get Mia to come too if thats what you need.

"Ana please I need you now, I'm a disgrace without you, I gain, I eat, I am 2 of the deadliest sins in living form. Sloth and Gluttony are my split personality. Please come back please save me, I am so ashamed that I did you wrong. You're truly all I want and all I need. Amen. "

Ana's Knocking for victory

  I feel like I've been walking in a dream for the past three or four days, It was like I was in someone else's skin unable to be myself. I was groggy, hateful, crying, and a pig eating so much. I was trapped in this persons skin screaming to be let out, suffocating in the depression of my past. Thinking of those red blooming flowers on my arms, legs, stomach, thighs, neck. It was a spiralling nightmare only I was awake, I watched the scale bound up, 0.2lbs, 0.5lbs, 1.0lbs, 2.0lbs.It was like everything I'd fought for was worthless, like everything else in my life I was just gonna give up because I wasn't the best, there was nothing special about me.


   
I never finish anything I start, I don't wanna see the end, to know that I'm a failure, or that I'm average or mediocre at something. Music? not even mediocre. singing? nails on a chalk board sound better. organized? for a barn. Writing? if you could call it that. Photography? "you have an eye for it, but everyone can do that now-a-days". Lose weight? I will! I'm going to "wow" them and have Jaws dropping. I will be thin and beautiful, my boyfriend will proudly show me off because he has me and no one else will. I'm not giving this up. I won't be the best at it, but I'll make them stop doubting me. I will show them all!

And like that I was awake, I burst from the skin that had been holding me prisoner, poisoning my thoughts and holding me back. I was like a butterfly (rather moth, but i guess my mind can be beautiful) struggling out of its cocoon. I was me, rather an improved me again. Positive, and unwilling to give up the fight I will, I can and I do have what it takes to be thin, I will reach it my next goal is about 10lbs away I can do it!

Ana's Knocking, Its about to get real.

I am going completely honest with this, we're going to get into the nitty gritty of this. 

I began my most recent "weight vendetta" on April 1st 2011, I began this weighing

in at an unbelievably disgusting 280lbs, Staggering gag worthy 20 stone, or a shameful 127Kg.

Today, May 8th 2011, I weigh in at a still disgusting 258lbs, 18.4 stone, or 117Kg.  

A measly 22lbs, 1.57stone or 9.98Kg. Lost in 38days. 

I will do better I have to. I'm done with being this huge.. gross beast.

Support and Linking PT

Pretty Thin

Ana's Knocking, Faceless.

I haven't posted in a bit, and decided I needed to post something a bit more personal, not that this all hasn't been my personal thoughts but because I'm not putting a face to it, I'm making it so my thoughts could be yours, this could simply be naming a monster, so I'm going to put a bit more of ME into it. So here is my more personal Bit. I've lost 17.2lbs Since April 1st 2011, My goal is to have lost anywhere from 130-150 in total by April 1st 2012. I will begin Posting my weight loss once a week, or month (haven't decided yet) . I have EDNOS, and I'm embracing it for the first time. I've fought it and suffered it for years and years, fighting it, making deals with it. Here's the catch, finding the balance, and knowing when to get help.  I will begin Posting some thinspiration as well as more "personalized" blogs, but I will continue the style I have thus far. I'm done being Faceless.

Wannarexics GTFO. 

Ana's Knocking, PANIC

What did you eat? your mind is froze you can hardly breathe. What did you eat? Its like you had an out of body experience and your body just stuffed itself, it wouldn't stop. What did you eat? more then one helping? TWO large meals? How will you lose this? Play with your little nieces and nephews to not draw attention? burn those calories? Run, Jump, Skip, Chase? BURN BURN BURN... This is a nightmare, can you purge? come on, one finger? two fingers? your whole hand? rid yourself of this!! you can't your pathetic...
How could you let this happen? work it off... now... or ....starve....

[warning may be graphic.] Ana's Knocking, Rotted flesh.

There it sits cheese bubbling, the sweet aroma of sauce and seasoning wafting through the air. Your mouth waters. You should be disgusted at the dripping grease the fatty cheese and the fat bubbling pepperoni but your not. Your disgusting and flock to its greasy wonder.. You slowly reach in and pick the smallest of pieces. Just one bite can't hurt... your tongue dances across its flavors; the sauce tangy and delicious, the cheese gooey and salty, the dough moist with grease. NO! you spit it out. Nothing is as good as thin feels, you say it over and over. You spit out the disgusting thing in your mouth. You picture maggots worming through the cheese, eating at it like human flesh, the sauce is now a disgusting puss of an cut long not treated and the crust is the yellowing bone. Are you hungry now? will you eat the remains?  Thank Ana for the gift she has bestowed you, now you can make every food undesirable. It disgust you. How could you have touched that to your precious lips, and dirtied your taste buds?

 "Thank you Ana, thank you."

Ana's Knocking, 1 pound.

1 pound.
Seems so small of a number to everyone else.
1 pound.
Seems like the world to you.
1 pound.
Lost is the greatest day.
1 pound.
Gain shows how weak you are.
1 pound.
Make it or break it.


In this instant you have gained one ugly disgusting pound. How do you feel? a failure, lowly, self loathing, disgusting, a glutton. How can you fix this? workout until you pass out of course, or perhaps restrict harder, or don't eat at all. You obviously don't want this if you can't keep one lousy pound away... THIN think it and BE IT.

Ana's Knocking Where's Your Self Control?

You feel in control? well you're obviously not! How could you eat ALL of that? You are disgusting. You think because you worked out you can slack? Hardly. You need to work off what you ate NOW! come on 50 crunches, 100 jumping jacks! that's too much? HARDLY. some girls would die knowing you only do that, where they are in the hundreds. WORK WORK WORK. sweat, you should be drenched in it. Your just sitting here? go.



"I felt good today but I already am feeling the price for that "treat for being so good" after a binge the day before their is no such thing as 'doing good' I need to work all of it off, and get my food log updates. One day away from home and everything my schedual to my diet is ruined. I will work harder, perhaps knowledge of posting what i eat for everyone to see will inspire LOW calories?"

Ana's Knocking, on your mark get set *BANG*

Come on your at the starting line. 7:00am to eat or not to eat? eat of course, thats what pigs do. One slice of toast, half a tablespoon of peanut butter... already over 100 calories, hope you can make up for this! walk walk walk its not enough hope you're ready to crawl on your hands and knees begging to burn those calories off. You have 105calories worth of lunch are you going to eat it? no cut it down to 60 calories, handling that better? You still need to run run run.  Trash that extra 45 calories, come on dowse it in Windex, you're likely to pull it out of the trash you disgusting worm.  Good, we've almost got you lower then 200 calories. DON'T award yourself you fool! One more potato are you delusional! you'll weigh in fatter tomorrow! Just another nibble of steak? you truly do hate yourself! You don't ever want to be thin and beautiful do you? Of course not. you're at over 800 calories you cow! You ignore my sister Mia's calls?! stupid stupid stupid girl. Burn them off then, work for it. Thats right can't sleep keep moving... you're not even close to the finish line.

Ana's Knocking Sleep Deprived

When was sleep a challenge? When did it take you hours to fall asleep all the while your heads spinning and spinning. Did you work off that meal. How many calories is that? If you gained how will you work it off? Finally it drives you so much that you leap out of bed and hit the gym, or if you cant hit the gym you start your at home workout, 25 crunches turns to 50 and 10 squats turn to 60...  by the end of the entire work out your finally exhausted you think you're safe and maybe, just maybe you'll lose weight. FAT CHANCE.

You toss and you turn your mind never stopping. You fall asleep exhausted thinking "I have to wake early, I have to weigh.". And so you wake early dark circles under your eyes, you couldn't sleep in even if you wanted to. You run to the washroom, need to make sure you don't have any extra weight due to excrements or urine. Then here comes the fear. You've done everything to prepare but can you do it? can you sum up the courage? it\s make it or break it living by the scale, but you. just. can't. stop

Ana's Knocking, Binge is a savage dog.

Maybe just a bite, mmm so good. Maybe just a dip of this, oh even better. Maybe just another piece, yes a little bigger. Oh I need to scoop up some of those crumbs that fell. Maybe I'll grab some off your plate. Oh your right it is good! Oh I haven't had that much. I'll stop after this bite. I worked out today one more can't hurt...
Then your lost, lost to that savage dog Binge.

Savage is his wrath, dread for the night, you can't sleep you toss and you turn. All because you had "one more bite". You wish and your curse just to start all over, but you know when morning light comes you'll slowly, dreadfully trek to your best and worst friend, the scale. Will you fall to your knees begging forgiveness? Is it already to late. Reach with your fingers, is it worth it or has your disgusting pig like body soaked up all the calories already? Maybe you can work it off. 100 jumping jacks here, 90 crunches there.

Feeling a bit better? Don't worry that won't last.
don't sit, don't stop moving, fidget, fidget, fidget harder. you need to burn more, more, more. Tired? to bad sleep means you've stopped moving you can do that. Not now. Feel like crying? Well you should. If you did what Ana told you you wouldn't feel this way.
--

Sitting in the restaurant I hear laughter and conversation. I think they're laughing at me, thinking this huge woman dares to go in public? then i hear a laugh "thats disgusting haha!" I think they are talking about me. Why can't I just eat in piece? cause I shouldn't eat at all.

Ana's Knocking A long time coming...

   

 Well how do you know when to label yourself? When do you befriend the terrible three; the Insecure Ed, the Obsessive Ana, & the Vengeful Mia? When does a diet turn into this? Well I'm not here to fulfill your questions.

 I'm here in this world of eating disorders wondering the exact same thing. When did 1000 calories seem to much? When did only 2 hours of running and weights make me feel lazy? I don't think I could map that out for you on a timeline. There is always that voice, who tells you you ate too much. Mia? Ana? Ed? oh any of them could. Ed will rear his ugly head booming in your ears "you're not good enough look at her, a gap between her thighs thats what your supposed to be" Ana will shout as you fill your plate "THIS WHOLE MEAL IS 245 CALORIES!" and mia, who seems sweet will whisper "sure have 3 hotdogs, we can get rid of them later, you'll be thin I promise."

Waking up and running to the scale will become a habit, it will make it or break your day. down one pound? up .4? it doesn't matter the number long as its less then the day before. You'll find your afraid to sleep because you know you've stopped moving, how much are you gaining?! fighting with tears running down your face not to let Mia win, and when she does knuckles deep your face in the porcelain throne. Your no where near your goal weight but what happens when you reach it?

I don't know, I'm in this.

I remember crying in dance class cause my belly stuck out (you know the cute toddler bellies) I remember purposely blowing sport tryouts so I wouldn't have to see how much better everyone looked better in the uniforms. I remember crying screaming and not being able to be heard, the blood draining and the cuts burning.

I've had a perfect childhood, no stories of abuse, rape, drugs, nothing. Its my own mind ruining me. I'm a recovered cutter, my bestfriend commited suicide and I've lost people to natural deaths like everyone else.


 Welcome to the roller coaster called My Life.